An Etiquette Suggestion from the State of the Union Speech on How to Disagree Agreeably

Are you using softening statements to prepare your listeners for what you have to say?

President Obama just used one in his State of the Union message. As he was getting ready to express his opinion on a recent Supreme Court decision, he said “with all due deference to separation of powers,” and then made his comment. This softening statement was not in his prepared remarks; he added it at the last moment as a measure of respect.

You can use softening statements also when in disagreements with others. When you are getting ready to express what’s bothering you, add a softening statement before your comments to show that you are giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

I discuss a number of softening statements in my book The Power of Positive Confrontation. They include “I know you mean no harm,” “I’m sure you are not aware,” and “I am sure it is just an oversight.”

They are not passive statements. They make it easier for the other person to listen to your comments. For example, saying to someone, “John, I’m sure you mean no harm, but when you call me honey, I’m offended,” may stop John from getting defensive.

As you prepare for your next difficult conversation, try using a softening statement to make it easier for the other person to hear your comments.

No Giant Billboards In Times Square! 5 Suggestions For Office Romance

As I was preparing my annual Valentine’s Day press release to help people with office romance, I realize that there had been some very public romances this year that caused people difficulty at work. They include David Letterman being blackmailed over an affair with a staff member. And John Edwards’ relationship with a campaign videographer that became career limiting to him and publicly humiliating to his wife.

Yes, romance at work can be costly. And even single, consenting adults need to be careful. If you don’t behave properly, an office romance can cause conflict and have a negative impact on your career.

Here are 5 guidelines to help you and your significant other share a copier by day and a bedroom by night without hurting your professional image:

1. Do Not Broadcast Your Relationship On Any Social Media Sites. Keep the relationship private. Your coworkers do not need to know the intimate details of your romance. No posting information or photos about your latest love interest on Facebook or sending tweets about it. You never know who will see them.

2. No Giant Billboards In Times Square! If the relationship fails—be professional and adult about it. A recent billboard in New York publicly announced the affair between Charles Phillips, co-president of Oracle Corporation, and his mistress. Even if you have been jilted and the relationship ends badly, you cannot vent your negative feelings in public. This is the risk of office relationships. They sometimes don’t work out and then you have to continue to see or work with the person.

3. No Physical Contact In The Office. No romantic displays. No secret kissing, caressing, or hand holding in the office. This also includes your behavior at office parties.

4. Don’t E-mail Provocative Valentine’s Day Cards. E-mail is not private. Do not mail an unsigned Valentine’s Day card to a coworker. Being a secret admirer is not a corporate concept.

5. Your Boss Shouldn’t Be Your Valentine. Relationships are tricky enough without your boss or subordinate being your Valentine. If you are dating your boss, have your reporting relationship changed.

Are You Putting Yourself Down In Your Writings?

During a recent writing class for new college hires, a number of them used self-discounting language when they communicated with their colleagues and the higher ups. These words included: “kinda,” “just,” “actually,” “perhaps,” “I wonder,” and “I hope.”

They wrote when they needed to meet with someone, “I was just wondering if you perhaps had some time to meet with me.” Or, when they submitted information, “I have enclosed the sample. I hope it is sufficient.”

When I asked them why they expressed themselves this way, they said that they didn’t want to come across as pushy. My comment was that by not trying to be pushy, they were coming across as passive, tentative and too deferential for the business world.

I suggested an alternative: a middle ground that I call Polite and Powerful. They could use words that were polite and didn’t diminish them. These suggestions included:

1. Eliminate the self-discounting words. Instead of “I actually got the promotion,” say, “I got the promotion.”

2. Use a question. Instead of “I was just wondering if you perhaps had some time to meet with me?” use, “Would you have some time this week to meet with me?”

3. Be direct. Instead of “I hope it is sufficient,” say, “If you need additional information, just let me know.”

4. Show respect through the salutation. If you want to show respect and it’s appropriate in your organization, use last names in the salutation. You can also use the polite closing, “Thank you.”

Monitor your e-mails over the next couple of weeks and start eliminating your self-discounting language.

Do You Know Your Self-limiting Behaviors?

A client, a senior vice president at a major company, read my quote in the Wall Street Journal’s article “The New Job Is in the Details” (http://bit.ly/4RCDoX ) and e-mailed, “Time after time, I find that very competent managers and executives are totally unaware of their self-inflicted career limiting behavior. I am really glad that you were able to help us at our company.”

Do you know your self-limiting behaviors? Many executives and professionals work with coaches as it is often hard to “see” yourself as others see you. In addition to coaching, the following five questions, if honestly answered, will help you gain some professional self-reflection:

Are you monitoring your verbal and nonverbal behavior? It’s easy to have mannerisms that take away from your professional image. Are you reviewing your voice mail messages to check your word choice and voice image? Have you seen yourself on tape? If you take a good presentation skills class you will be recorded and see what you are doing with your posture, gestures, eye contact and facial expression.

Do you need to refresh your wardrobe? Have you gone through your closet? Do you know what impact your clothes make? Are they as professional as they should be? Be honest with yourself. It may be time to do some shopping.

Are you staying up-to-date? Do you know what’s happening in your profession? Are you actively involved in your professional associations? What about social media? If your clients or customers are using Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc., you want to get involved. Make sure you think before you post anything and follow any company guidelines.

Are you a gracious host or guest? Lots of business can occur during a meal. Are you comfortable in restaurants so you can concentrate on business and not which fork to use? If not, read etiquette books or take a dining class.

Are you developing yourself? Is there any training you should have this year? Do you need any additional work certifications? Are you doing all you can to develop yourself?

Paying attention to your behavior doesn’t take a lot of time, yet it can have a very positive effect on your career. Why not start today?

Have an "Etiquette Month"

I just heard of an interesting concept that I would like to share with you. Last week during an etiquette class, a woman explained her family’s “Etiquette Month” tradition.

Every January, and only during the month of January, her parents would correct her and her siblings on their table manners. If they weren’t holding their utensils properly, they were shown how. If they reached across the table to grab some food, they had to stop and ask for the item to be passed. And when they talked with their mouths full, they were told to stop talking!

Other activities included eating in the dining room and going to a fancy restaurant to experience fine dining. Her siblings were also allowed to correct each other.

Since it was only one month a year, her parents felt the “Etiquette Month” would eliminate their constant nagging.

Initially she dreaded the beginning of the New Year, but over time she came to appreciate the tradition and enjoyed the special activities. And she added, knowing how to behave at a meal has been helpful in her career.

Why not start an “Etiquette Month” tradition with your family? I wished I had with my son. I might have broken him of the habit of using his sleeve as a napkin a lot sooner!

Why Business Etiquette?

For my first blog for 2010, I wanted to share a question recently asked of me by a journalist for a major business publication. She was questioning why I need to teach business etiquette and why I write my blog on the topic. She said, “Business etiquette is not rocket science. Don't people know this stuff?”

I responded, “Yes, it's true business etiquette is not rocket science, but it is an invaluable skill set.”

And it is a skill set that not everybody knows: Good manners are not alway taught at home, and even when they are, new guidelines are always appearing since business etiquette evolves with the times. Think about the Blackberry or even e-mail. Your mothers could not have taught you to be polite using them, these items didn't exist when most of us were growing up.

It is also a skill set that not everyone practices: Even when people know good manners, they don't always use them or use them consistently.

So as we enter 2010, I will continue to teach and write about business etiquette. I believe that knowing and practicing good business etiquette can be helpful to you and your career. Feel free to share your experiences on this blog. We can learn from each other.

Happy New Year!

Tis’ the Season for Office Parties

A young man got drunk at his holiday party, cursed out his boss and got fired on the spot. The next day he couldn’t understand why his badge didn’t work. He had gotten fired and had no recollection of it!

With the holiday season upon us, many people will have the opportunity to attend holiday events and office parties. Although a time to celebrate and relax, how you behave at these business social events can impact your career.

Follow these 5 simple guidelines to successfully navigate your holiday event or office party.

1. Attend and mingle. Attendance at the company holiday party isn’t optional. Your absence will be noticed, and most likely, noted by your boss and other higher ups. Talk to people you know and don’t know. The person that you meet at the party may ultimately be the person that will be interviewing you for your next job.

2. Dress appropriately. It may be a party, but it’s still business. Nothing too short, too low, too tight or too anything.

3. Do not get drunk. To stay sober set a limit for yourself before you go to the party. It is much easier to limit your intake that way. Or, order a drink you don’t like and sip it slowly all night. Remember it is really easy to lose control if you have had too much to drink.

4. Pay attention to your body language. Even if the party is dull, it is bad manners to let others see how bored you are. Don’t frown, slouch, cross arms or yawn.

5. Don’t say anything negative about the party on your social media sites. This also means no posting of any unflattering photos of people on Facebook or sending tweets about someone’s unbecoming behavior.